Chapter 25: The Phoenix Rests in the Wutong Tree

This Is Ridiculous Chapter 25

The Phoenix Rests in the Wutong Tree

凤栖梧桐 (Fèng qī wútóng)

In the context of a royal marriage, the phrase “凤栖梧桐” is deeply symbolic. The phoenix (凤) represents the empress or queen, a figure of utmost grace, virtue, and nobility, while the parasol tree (梧桐) represents the emperor or the imperial throne, the only place worthy of hosting such a noble being. The marriage of a monarch is seen as a union of two entities that are perfectly suited for each other, just as the phoenix only rests in the parasol tree.

 

The phoenix rests on the Wutong Tree, elegant and noble.

The oldest hymn surpasses a thousand romantic words.

The monarch, still in his ceremonial robes, looked up at her earnestly: “Will you marry me?”

A great wind suddenly arose, carrying them across time. The stars above shimmered, producing a grand sound like the tolling of bells.

She had promised not to cry again.

Yu Wanyin raised her hand to cover her eyes: “From the beginning, I was your concubine. Now, I am your empress…”

“Is that enough?” Xiahou Dan smiled as he slipped a ring onto her finger. “I want you to be my bride.”

The nameless visitor stayed in the capital for several days, waiting until Bei Zhou’s body was finally laid to rest.

Xiahou Dan seized the moment, while the current ministers dared not object, and decided to bury Bei Zhou with the honors of a prince.

Bei Zhou entered the imperial mausoleum with great ceremony, but it was only a symbolic tomb. His remains were quietly buried next to Empress Cizhen.

Thus, the turmoil in the capital came to an end.

Lin Xuanying reorganized the surrendered armies and returned to the southern borders to clean up the aftermath. They all knew that the throne would change hands again soon, and preparations needed to be made early to prevent chaos.

With nothing to do, the nameless visitor decided to accompany his disciple and offer guidance in his cultivation.

The emperor and empress escorted them out of the city.

In a pavilion, Lin Xuanying shared a drink with Xiahou Dan, knowing this was likely their final farewell. Though he couldn’t bring himself to say anything sentimental, he managed to say, “Go without worry; I won’t take her away.”

Xiahou Dan: “… Thank you.”

Meanwhile, Yu Wanyin spoke privately with the nameless visitor.

Yu Wanyin: “The emperor has declared that, out of fraternal love, he will not execute Xiahou Bo, but will imprison him for life. We will avoid harsh punishment, letting him linger for a few more years.”

The nameless visitor bowed: “I thank the empress on behalf of all the people.”

The wind blew through the tall grass, his white robes fluttering, a figure ready to depart after accomplishing his task.

Yu Wanyin watched him with an enigmatic gaze and softly asked: “All that you have done was not for any one person but for the sake of this land, correct?”

The nameless visitor stroked his beard: “The heavens have their reasons, unspoken. We, mere mortals, can only glimpse a fraction of it and act accordingly.”

“I understand.” Yu Wanyin said, “You have not shown the emperor a path to life because the heavens no longer care for him.”

The nameless visitor’s eyelids twitched: “Empress, please be careful with your words.”

Yu Wanyin smiled: “I’m just speaking the truth. Deceiving someone for ten years, draining their heart and blood, and then discarding them—”

Thunder rumbled in the distance.

Yu Wanyin raised her head, looking straight up, her red lips forming a sarcastic smile: “Is this what you call the will of heaven?”

The nameless visitor was shocked.

He had lived most of his life as a recluse and had never seen such a brazen person. Did she have no regard for her life?

Yu Wanyin, however, turned to him with a solemn expression: “Can you divine a fortune for the emperor?”

“…Though it is my wish, I cannot grant it… Empress,” the nameless visitor pondered for a moment before speaking plainly, “The imperial star requires only one. Do you not understand?”

“Of course, I understand. Now that I am here, there is no need to preserve another.” Yu Wanyin commented, “Truly, a well-played scheme.”

Thunder rumbled like war drums, moving towards them. In the distance, the horses in the right army’s camp grew restless. Animals, with their primal instincts, sensed the looming wrath.

Yu Wanyin stood calmly, her breath almost still—

Then she raised a gun.

The nameless visitor remained indifferent.

Until she turned the gun on herself.

The nameless visitor: “?”

Yu Wanyin: “If the emperor dies, I will follow. You can find another savior.”

The nameless visitor was stunned for a few seconds, then regained his composure, speaking profoundly: “The empress will not pull the trigger.”

Without a word, Yu Wanyin pulled the trigger.

The nameless visitor’s expression changed—

Yu Wanyin tossed aside the unloaded gun and laughed: “So, even you can misjudge.”

Before the nameless visitor could react, she picked up a second gun: “Why don’t you divine again, this time checking if there are bullets. And whether I will pull the trigger.”

The nameless visitor: “…”

The nameless visitor took a deep breath: “Empress, you should not act this way. The situation has just stabilized, a hard-won achievement by the emperor. If you abandon it, everything will be destroyed…”

Yu Wanyin: “It should not be, but I am willing.”

The nameless visitor finally grew anxious: “This defies the will of heaven!”

“No, you are wrong. This is to make heaven follow my will.” Yu Wanyin stood with her clothes and hair billowing in the wind, speaking each word clearly, “We employees can endure all demands from our superiors, except for unpaid work. If you want me to stay, give me what I want.”

Her audacity exceeded the nameless visitor’s understanding, leaving him speechless. Her words seemed not directed at him but at the heavens, as if bargaining with the sky. He was merely the intermediary.

Thunder roared continuously, like countless war drums. The tall grass swayed like waves in the wind.

Yu Wanyin didn’t wait for his response, bowed slightly, and calmly said: “Please divine. Whether or not there is a result, I will consider it a reply.”

The nameless visitor thought for a long time and complied.

He steadied himself, not reaching for any tools but looking up at the lightning dancing across the sky, calculating with his fingers.

Lightning flashed close, illuminating the scene. The nameless visitor stood motionless, murmuring incantations. Yu Wanyin watched for a while, guessing he was using numbers for the divination.

She waited silently, without interrupting, the gun still in her hand.

After a long time, the nameless visitor finished, swaying slightly from exhaustion.

Yu Wanyin: “Sir?”

“Thunder and water resolve.”

Yu Wanyin was puzzled by this.

The nameless visitor: “When in doubt, advance.”

Before he finished speaking, a bolt of lightning struck five feet away, charring the ground.

The nameless visitor knelt immediately.

“What dilemma?” Yu Wanyin quickly asked.

Another bolt of lightning struck. The nameless visitor jumped up and started to leave, waving his hand: “I cannot say! The turning point will be clear to you!”

Yu Wanyin wanted to ask more, but the nameless visitor moved like a phantom, quickly disappearing from sight.

He seemed to be fleeing both heavenly punishment and Yu Wanyin, not even waiting for Lin Xuanying, vanishing into the dust.

The hard-won advice was still vague.

Yu Wanyin sighed, pondering over it herself.

On the way back to the palace, she was lost in thought about what decision she was “undecided” about, not noticing Xiahou Dan’s unusual silence.

As soon as Xiahou Dan got off the carriage, he said, “I have a meeting to attend.”

He didn’t return until nightfall. Yu Wanyin, as usual, waited for him to have dinner together but only received a message telling her to eat alone.

She knew Xiahou Dan’s headaches had worsened. Lately, he had been disappearing more frequently, and his weight loss had become so apparent that ministers included notes urging him to take care of his health in their reports. Even when he was with her, he often forced a smile.

Yu Wanyin grew anxious, barely touching her dinner. She lay on the bed, waiting for Xiahou Dan, tossing and turning to find clues, not knowing when she fell asleep.

She was awakened at midnight by a trembling voice from one of the secret guards: “Empress, the emperor…”

Yu Wanyin jolted awake, hastily throwing on her outer robe: “Lead the way.”

Xiahou Dan was in an unused side hall.

The hall looked unremarkable from the outside, but inside, it was heavily guarded. The sight of the guards made Yu Wanyin’s heart tighten.

The room was a mess. Broken dishes and overturned screens were scattered everywhere. The emperor was bound to the bed, barely breathing, already unconscious.

His body and forehead were a bloody mess, even his fingernails were cracked and damaged, a pitiful sight. Xiao Tiancai was bandaging him and, seeing Yu Wanyin’s expression, quickly knelt down.

Yu Wanyin took several deep breaths before she could speak: “Why haven’t you used acupuncture to make him sleep?”

Xiao Tiancai: “This time, the emperor’s episode was worse than before. Acupuncture didn’t work. I gave him calming medicine, increasing the dosage several times, and it has just started to take effect…”

He added cautiously: “Empress, the emperor’s body is full of toxins, and it has reached a critical stage. This time…”

This time, he wouldn’t make it.

The candlelight stretched Yu Wanyin’s shadow, pulling her down heavily.

She heard her own voice calmly asking: “How long?”

“…The poison has affected his brain. He might be paralyzed within two days. After that, he will lose his senses, possibly becoming blind and deaf, and he might last ten more days at most…” Xiao Tiancai gritted his teeth, his expression filled with guilt and regret, “I am incapable, and have failed the emperor and the empress. Please punish me.”

Yu Wanyin took the medicine from him, sat by the bed, and held Xiahou Dan’s hand. As she sprinkled the medicinal powder on the raw wounds under his broken nails, she trembled, but Xiahou Dan remained unresponsive.

She carefully bandaged his wounds, speaking softly: “Increase the dosage, keep him asleep as much as possible.”

Xiao Tiancai thought she had accepted the reality and only wanted to ease Xiahou Dan’s pain before his passing. He bowed deeply: “Yes.”

Yu Wanyin stayed in the side hall until dawn before leaving.

She assigned more secret guards to the hall, strictly forbidding entry and exit. Officially, it was announced that the emperor was feeling unwell and would not attend court that day.

Though the state affairs had just returned to normal, many matters still required decisions, even with the morning court canceled.

Yu Wanyin returned to her quarters to freshen up and change clothes, preparing to meet people.

The mute maid helped her remove her outer robe and suddenly grabbed her arm, examining it.

“What is it?—Oh,” Yu Wanyin noticed the bloodstains on her sleeve. Seeing the maid still searching for a wound, she reassured her, “It’s not my blood. The emperor… the emperor had a fall and got scratched.” She decided to use this as the official excuse.

The maid looked at Yu Wanyin’s expression and said nothing more. She brought a bowl of warm sweet porridge and some small dishes when Yu Wanyin was ready to leave.

Yu Wanyin realized she hadn’t eaten in a long time. She rubbed the maid’s head, finished the sweet porridge in one gulp, and felt a bit more settled. She looked at the gloomy sky, murmuring to herself, “One more day. Don’t push your luck. Tomorrow, I quit.”

The maid seemed confused: “?”

Yu Wanyin dealt with a stack of urgent reports and summoned people to inquire about Tur’s news, but there was still no response. It seemed like the so-called turning point was just an excuse from the nameless guest to escape.

Yu Wanyin dismissed everyone and suddenly collapsed on the desk in the imperial study, motionless.

After a while, she heard faint footsteps behind her.

She looked up warily: “Who?”

“Empress.” A secret guard appeared, bowing his head in salute.

“Twelve?” Yu Wanyin recognized his face, “It’s not your shift today, is it?”

Twelve: “The emperor ordered that if he falls ill, the empress’s secret guard detail should be immediately increased. Because it was a secret order, I was hiding in the dark today to protect you. Please forgive me.”

“Why are you revealing yourself now?”

“Empress, the mute maid disappeared from the quarters for a quarter of an hour.”

Yu Wanyin’s heart skipped a beat.

Twelve: “She is very slippery and seems to know the positions of the other secret guards. She moved quickly and escaped from their blind spots. Only I, being a new addition, saw her slip away towards the small pharmacy.”

The small pharmacy had been set up recently to exclusively serve Xiahou Dan. As his condition worsened, he needed a lot of calming and pain-relieving medicine. If someone examined the residue, they could determine his severe condition. To keep it secret, the pharmacy’s location was very hidden, and regular palace staff couldn’t find it.

Yu Wanyin’s suspicions grew: “Is the emperor still safe?”

Twelve: “Rest assured, the side hall is as secure as a fortress; no one can get in.”

Yu Wanyin calmed down and thought deeply.

At this point, any abnormality wasn’t as frightening as having none. Now that a clue had appeared, she needed to follow it to find the truth.

Time was pressing. She instructed Twelve: “Have the side hall discard all today’s medicine from the small pharmacy and prepare fresh batches. Keep watching the mute maid, but don’t alert her. Do not reveal yourselves without my order.”

For the rest of the day, the mute maid behaved.

At night, Xiahou Dan woke up in the side hall and immediately started hitting his head against the bedpost.

His bindings had loosened, and his sudden movements caught the attendants off guard, allowing him to hit his head twice before they could restrain him.

Yu Wanyin tried to make him drink medicine, but he struggled continuously, his eyes unfocused, growling like a wild animal. Yu Wanyin called his name several times, but he didn’t respond. In the end, the secret guards had to force his mouth open and pour the medicine in.

After he fell unconscious again, the battle-hardened secret guards had tears in their eyes, worriedly glancing at Yu Wanyin.

Yu Wanyin stood still for a moment: “He doesn’t recognize me anymore.”

The secret guards mumbled words to comfort her.

Yu Wanyin found it absurd: “The last thing he said to me was… he was going to a meeting.”

She turned around and left.

Back in her quarters, Yu Wanyin casually greeted the mute maid: “I’m tired today, I’ll sleep first.”

She lay on the bed motionless, hoping the mute maid would let her guard down and sneak out again—whatever the action, the situation couldn’t get worse.

But after two hours, there was no movement.

Yu Wanyin’s body gradually grew cold, curling up under the covers.

Let the turning point come soon. If it’s too late, it won’t matter anymore.

The warm covers couldn’t retain heat and turned icy. Yu Wanyin’s teeth chattered, cursing herself for falling ill at such a crucial time. She wanted to call for a doctor but feared alarming the mute maid…

Suddenly, her breath hitched.

A blurry memory surfaced. Did she drink a bowl of sweet porridge this morning?

Dim light filtered through the bed curtains, and someone lit a candle. A small figure approached and lifted the curtain.

The mute maid stood by the bed, looking at her with concern.

Yu Wanyin tried to suppress her shivering and slowly drew a gun from under the covers, pointing it at the maid.

The maid ignored the gun, asking, “Empress, are you unwell?”

Only then did Yu Wanyin realize the maid was not mute.

At the same time, she understood why the maid had pretended to be mute—her short sentence was fragmented and heavily accented.

The maid, unconcerned with Yu Wanyin’s reaction, smiled: “You are poisoned. After you start shaking, you’ll die in an incense stick’s time. Don’t worry, I have the antidote.”

Yu Wanyin opened her mouth to speak, but the maid raised a finger: “Quiet. Don’t alert your people.”

Yu Wanyin hesitated and then lowered the gun, speaking in a low voice: “What do you want?”

The maid nodded in satisfaction: “You must kill the emperor. If he dies, you will live.”

Yu Wanyin’s mind raced, piecing together scattered clues.

The accent, the initial deadly hostility, and the sudden change in attitude after realizing who she was…

Yu Wanyin spoke calmly, “You are from Qiang Kingdom.”

It wasn’t a question, so there was no response from the other party.

Yu Wanyin struggled to sit up, wrapping the blanket tightly around her, trying to ignore the bone-chilling cold. Her voice remained steady: “You followed me into the palace to assassinate. You figured out the positions of the secret guards and the location of the small pharmacy. Based on my behavior this morning, you deduced that the medicine was for the emperor and decided to take advantage of his illness to kill him.”

The medicine from the small pharmacy wasn’t effective, so the assassin couldn’t determine Xiahou Dan’s exact illness. She wouldn’t know that even without intervention, he was already dying.

“So, you went to the small pharmacy to poison him but were discovered. After hearing no death knell, you realized the mission had failed and decided to use me for another attempt…”

At this point, Yu Wanyin paused: “But why did you poison my porridge if you were already planning to poison him at the pharmacy, risking early exposure?”

The mute maid shrugged, urging her, “One incense stick’s time.”

Yu Wanyin ignored her, continuing softly, “Also, knowing who I am and who Xiahou Dan is, why didn’t you act during our escape but instead helped us several times?”

The maid’s expression grew cold, and her usually lively eyes fixed on Yu Wanyin with a deadly glare.

“—Ah, I understand now.” Yu Wanyin answered her own question, “At the time, Prince Duan was in power. Killing us wouldn’t have helped. You wanted to see us and Prince Duan destroy each other, but we won faster than you expected. Seeing his defeat, you decided to act like a mantis stalking a cicada, unaware of the oriole behind, right?” She smiled, “If that’s the case, you are quite farsighted for your age, likely not an ordinary citizen in Qiang Kingdom.”

The maid couldn’t help but laugh coldly: “Every Qiang person knows. Xia Kingdom and Yan Kingdom are destined to clash. If you don’t fight, we are doomed.”

Qiang was weak, always struggling to survive between Xia and Yan. They had no strong army and refused to bow and seek protection as a vassal state. Their survival depended on underhanded tactics—poison, theft, seduction, and sowing discord.

Like the former Yan Kingdom, Qiang also sent assassins to Xia. Killing a few important figures and causing internal chaos in Xia would make them heroes, with their families receiving rewards.

After Tur allied with Xia and invaded Qiang, many refugees who fled to Xia harbored similar intentions. They struggled to survive while seeking every opportunity to create disaster, hoping to weaken Xia and end their homeland’s suffering.

The maid spoke with a naïve fervor, sounding both chilling and pitiful.

Yu Wanyin asked softly, “And after becoming a hero?”

The maid’s eyes turned empty for a moment, then she smiled again.

Yu Wanyin suddenly recalled the poison in the empress dowager’s fingernails. Xiao Tiancai had said only Qiang people could make that poison. The empress dowager had used it to eliminate generations of enemies and now wanted to use it on Xiahou Dan one last time. But how did she originally get the poison and the catalyst? Which Qiang hero’s achievement had managed to disrupt Xia for three generations?

Assassins remembered by history are second-rate. The top ones have vanished in time, as if they never existed.

“I have one more question.” Yu Wanyin said, “You changed your clothes when entering the palace. Where did you get the poison now?”

The maid glanced outside: “Heaven helped me.”

The phrase sparked a thought in Yu Wanyin’s mind, a flash of insight.

She followed the maid’s gaze, raising an eyebrow: “The flowers and plants?”

For her coronation, many rare flowers and plants had been brought in from across the country. Yu Wanyin asked, “Among those flowers and plants, did you coincidentally find all the ingredients you needed for the poison?”

The maid blinked and then reacted angrily, “If you don’t go now, you’ll die!”

Yu Wanyin looked regretful.

She knew Twelve was nearby, eavesdropping, so she had been stalling the maid to gather useful information. But the maid wasn’t foolish. Seeing through her intentions, she refused to say another word and pulled Yu Wanyin off the bed.

Yu Wanyin’s calm was a façade. Her internal organs felt like they were freezing, her body stiff and weak. The maid forcibly dragged her to the floor, and she steadied herself by holding onto the bedpost: “I can’t… The emperor is heavily guarded. If I pull out a weapon, I’ll be shot full of arrows…”

“Go.” The maid pushed her towards the door.

Yu Wanyin stumbled, still trying to reason: “…Every food and drink is tested for poison. Besides, many eyes are watching. Even I wouldn’t have the chance to poison him. Don’t rush, this needs careful planning…”

An incense stick’s time was indeed short. Yu Wanyin could feel her strength draining along with her body heat.

Would there be time to torture the maid for the antidote? Could she save Xiahou Dan?

However, this person was so determined and hated Xia so much; she wouldn’t yield to threats or bribes. The antidote she promised probably didn’t exist.

Setting this trap, she likely aimed to kill both the emperor and empress.

But this plan was doomed to fail because fate wouldn’t allow a double kill. One of them would survive…

In an instant, Yu Wanyin froze.

—One of them?

The maid said, “He trusts you.”

She cornered Yu Wanyin at the door, pulling out a small porcelain bottle from her sleeve, smirking: “He bled.”

Like lightning across the night sky, Yu Wanyin suddenly understood all the deceptions and causes.

Stars aligned, fortune changed.

Her mind was a tumultuous sea, watching the maid hand over the porcelain bottle: “Sprinkle it on the wound.”

Yu Wanyin mustered all her acting skills, displaying fear and despair as she shakily hid the bottle and walked out of the quarters.

As soon as she was out of the maid’s sight, Twelve and several guards emerged, anxiously supporting her: “Empress.”

Yu Wanyin quickened her pace towards the side hall: “Seize the maid, keep her alive. Have Xiao Tiancai prepare his medical kit.”

In the side hall.

Xiao Tiancai poured some powder from the porcelain bottle, repeatedly sniffing and examining it. In his urgency, he even tasted a bit: “Similar, very similar.”

He took a rat from his medical kit, made a small cut, and sprinkled the powder on it. The rat bled profusely, the bleeding unstoppable despite applying hemostatic medicine.

Xiao Tiancai wiped his cold sweat and announced: “It’s very similar to the poison used by the Yan Kingdom assassin last time. It causes uncontrollable bleeding, leading to death. I can identify several ingredients that match the ancient recipe remnants.”

Tur had said the poison was left by the Qiang queen.

Because Xiahou Dan didn’t die after being stabbed last time and his headaches temporarily eased, they considered using poison to treat poison. But the Qiang queen had left only a little, and Tur had used it up, unable to recreate the formula, hence the desperate search.

Unexpectedly, they found it effortlessly today.

Yu Wanyin sat by Xiahou Dan’s bed, already on the verge of collapse, surrounded by helpless physicians. She ignored them and asked Xiao Tiancai: “Can we use it?”

Could this unknown substance save the emperor? What if it caused instant death due to a slight mistake?

Xiao Tiancai, drenched in sweat, dared not nod, looking at the elderly physician beside him: “Master, what do you think?”

The old physician trembled: “This…requires some time to verify…”

But they had no time.

Yu Wanyin, shivering, her vision darkening, sat next to Xiahou Dan, whose face was bloodless and breathing labored.

Xiao Tiancai looked away in despair. Once the empress collapsed, no one in the palace would dare administer the medicine, risking the crime of attempted regicide.

He gritted his teeth, about to speak—

“Give it to me.” Yu Wanyin said.

Xiao Tiancai hesitated, the old physician already pleading: “Please reconsider, Empress!”

Yu Wanyin extended her hand to Xiao Tiancai: “When in doubt, advance.”

Xiao Tiancai handed her the bottle.

Yu Wanyin ignored everything else, relying on instinct to unwrap Xiahou Dan’s bandages, struggling to undo them with her failing strength.

Xiao Tiancai, having taken the first step, assisted in removing the bandages, revealing Xiahou Dan’s crisscrossing wounds.

Yu Wanyin took a deep breath, shakily raising the porcelain bottle.

On the bed, Xiahou Dan’s eyelashes trembled.

In the deathly silence, he slowly opened his eyes, his unfocused gaze drifting towards the side of the bed.

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