Chapter 26: Fighting Poison with Poison

This Is Ridiculous Chapter 26

Fighting Poison with Poison

As if a nightmare had become reality, the skeletal mad king and his beloved assassin gazed into each other’s eyes. Just like when they first met, he furrowed his brow and remained silently confused.

After a while, he spoke, his voice hoarse and torn: “…Wanyin?”

Yu Wanyin tilted her hand, letting the medicinal powder from the porcelain bottle fall gently onto his wound.

Crimson blood began to gush out, staining the bedding with a joyful color.

Xiahou Dan’s muscles tensed, but his expression remained unchanged. The pain was negligible compared to what he was enduring in his mind.

He asked again, as if searching for someone: “Wanyin?”

Yu Wanyin smiled faintly: “How are you?”

“……”

Xiahou Dan slowly raised a weak smile: “I’m fine, and you?”

All the palace attendants kept their heads bowed, none daring to show any sign of doubt.

Yu Wanyin poured out half the bottle, but her strength waned, and she collapsed, lying beside Xiahou Dan. Xiao Tiancai quickly took the porcelain bottle from her hand.

Yu Wanyin wanted to signal him to observe the effect and adjust the dosage accordingly, but when she tried to speak, only a whisper came out.

Xiao Tiancai, with tears in his eyes, said, “Empress, rest assured.”

Yu Wanyin nodded, struggling to hold Xiahou Dan’s hand.

In the distance, a secret guard rushed over in panic: “Empress! The mute maid bit a hidden poison capsule in her mouth and committed suicide…”

Yu Wanyin remained calm. When she had conversed with the mute maid, she had anticipated that it would likely be a one-for-one exchange. However, there was no turning back now. Saving even one life was worth it.

Ignoring the secret guard, she turned her attention back to Xiahou Dan, trying to memorize his features.

Xiahou Dan’s vision and mind were blurred. He couldn’t make out what she was doing and assumed he was experiencing a final burst of energy before death, trying to make use of the time to speak to her: “Be well.”

Yu Wanyin smiled weakly: “Yes.”

“A kiss?”

“Sure…”

Darkness enveloped them.

The wind blew unceasingly, bringing the first breath of early spring.

One year later.

The dungeon.

The dark chamber was still cramped and damp, with only a faint sliver of light leaking through the iron bars, casting a deformed shadow in the corner.

Xiahou Bo leaned against the wall with his eyes closed, resting—he could only sit. His chapped, bleeding lips moved as he muttered something. If anyone got close enough to listen, they would find he was just counting.

There was no day or night, no sounds, only the occasional silent guard delivering food that resembled slop. Xiahou Bo relied on counting to roughly estimate time, preventing himself from falling into a vortex of nothingness and losing his last bit of sanity.

But today was destined to be different.

Footsteps approached the iron bars. Someone set down food but did not leave immediately.

A few seconds later, the year-long silence was broken: “Your Highness.”

Xiahou Bo hesitated for a few seconds before slowly turning his head.

The visitor, choked with emotion, called again, and this time Xiahou Bo recognized the voice of an old subordinate.

Xiahou Bo: “…How did you get in here?”

The old subordinate banged his head on the ground, “I am useless, I deserve to die! The guards here are impervious to bribes. I waited a whole year, and only amidst the recent chaos and people’s unrest did I manage to bribe someone to get in and see you. But they only allowed me to speak a few words before they’ll chase me out…”

Xiahou Bo focused on the key words: “Chaos outside?”

The old subordinate: “Yes. I remembered your instructions before the chaos in the capital last year. After many turns of events, I managed to enlist the Crown Prince and design a plot to have Empress Yu assassinate the emperor.”

“Did it succeed?”

“There were some complications. Although Xiahou Dan died, that accursed Empress Yu survived and took control, emulating Empress Lü Zhi’s authority! But the heavens have eyes. What does a mere woman know about ruling a country? Last year’s drought caused nationwide chaos.”

“Drought?” Xiahou Bo’s eyelids twitched, faintly recalling a past dream.

The old subordinate: “The fields yielded no harvest, and corpses piled up everywhere. They say it’s because of the demon empress’s misrule, inciting heaven’s wrath. Now, uprisings and rebellions are breaking out everywhere, and her good days are numbered.”

Tears streamed down his face, “I am rallying your former followers, trying to stir the waters. Once the empress is overthrown, we’ll use the chaos to rescue you.”

Footsteps approached. The guards were coming to expel him.

The old subordinate hurriedly whispered, “Please take care, Your Highness. Endure for another year or so, and your time for a comeback will come…”

He left.

Silence returned to the dark chamber, and even the faint counting did not resume.

After a long while, a muffled laugh sounded.

No one came to reprimand the prisoner, so he continued laughing, gradually turning into maniacal laughter.

In the unseen corridor, the guards listened impassively, their eyes revealing mocking expressions.

Outside the capital.

Spring was in the air, bringing new life to everything. The usually desolate outskirts were bustling with carriages and horses today, as finely dressed ladies and gentlemen strolled in the warm sunshine, raising fragrant dust in their wake.

It was the time for Qingming Festival outings.

People paid respects at the graves and then sat on the ground, enjoying offerings of meat and wine, laughing and chatting with the deceased.

In the world of Prince Duan, filled with chaos and turmoil, this place was serene and peaceful.

Near the outskirts, a few imposing new graves stood quietly, with only a few people around. A group of guards kept others at bay, and only a few inconspicuous carriages were parked nearby.

Erlan cleaned Cen Jintian’s grave, lighting incense and burning paper money.

Someone handed her a fresh, dew-laden bouquet from behind.

Yu Wanyin: “Place it with the offerings.”

Erlan, surprised, took the bouquet and noticed some fresh grains among the flowers. She smiled: “You are thoughtful, Empress.”

Cen Jintian had held on until the autumn of the previous year before passing away.

The drought had arrived as predicted, but the fields had already been sown with drought-resistant crops like millet following his advice. Moreover, grain warehouses had been secretly stocked up a year in advance, preventing the famine from occurring. Cen Jintian closed his eyes contentedly during the autumn harvest, surrounded by people.

Erlan gently placed the bouquet among the offerings, her expression calm: “Brother Cen, the war in Yan has been settled. Tur is now the King of Yan and has sent an alliance letter. The era of peace has arrived, and here you can witness bountiful harvests every year.”

Not far away, Wang Zhao’s tombstone finally bore his real name. Li Yunxi and Yang Duojie paid their respects before sitting down with a few young colleagues to drink and boast about their friendship with Wang Zhao, pretending to have been very close to him.

Both of them now held high positions. Li Yunxi, working in the Ministry of Revenue, was busy redistributing land to the people. Yang Duojie, in the Ministry of Personnel, oversaw civil service examinations and talent selection. The young officials listened in admiration, believing every word, almost ready to take notes on the spot.

The eastern wind carried the fragrance of flowers year after year, indifferent to the rise and fall of the human world.

Of the six scholars who met on the pleasure boat, half had found eternal rest.

The remaining half lived on in the illustrious scene they had once painted.

A petal, carried by the gentle breeze, landed in Erlan’s hair.

Yu Wanyin reached out to remove it and whispered in her ear: “Li Yunxi glanced at you several times today. He asked me about you a few days ago.”

Erlan chuckled: “Does the Empress have matchmaking intentions?”

“Not necessarily.” Yu Wanyin pulled her up, signaling her to take a walk.

The two walked side by side into the shade of the flowers, out of sight of others. Yu Wanyin said, “This matter requires mutual affection. If you have no interest, I will turn him down.”

Erlan seemed lost in thought: “He talked to me privately. He said he knows he can’t compare to Brother Cen, but now that Brother Cen is gone, he is the only one in the court who understands me. If I were to retire, it would be better to marry him, and as a couple, we could work together without wasting our ambitions.”

There were no secrets in the world, and after working together for a long time, some had started to suspect Erlan’s gender. Recently, these rumors had reached Yu Wanyin.

Li Yunxi approached Erlan after hearing the rumors, his face flushed like a red lantern the entire time, barely daring to look at her.

For someone who always talked about rules and propriety, the determination it must have taken for him to come this far was unimaginable.

Yu Wanyin asked, “But you…still refused him?”

Erlan remained silent for a moment, then sighed.

She slowed her pace: “Now that the new examination system is in place, many talented people are emerging. My departure is well-timed, having accomplished my goals. But…” She looked at Yu Wanyin and said softly, “I still worry about you, Empress.”

Yu Wanyin felt a warm surge in her heart.

Erlan raised her hand to straighten Yu Wanyin’s hair: “…After all, co-ruling with the emperor will always invite gossip. Right now, your authority is strong, and no one dares to challenge you. But in the future, as you handle numerous affairs, any mistake…”

“Mistakes are fine.” Someone said from nearby.

Xiahou Dan approached them, leaving the guards and attendants behind. He had removed the heavy ceremonial headdress, his long hair half tied, and his elegant demeanor made him look like a young nobleman mistakenly wandering into this place, exuding an air of harmless nobility.

But he continued speaking: “The achievements in governance are the empress’s, and any minor mistakes are mine. If honest ministers offer advice, the empress will accept it graciously; if villains use it to stir trouble, my madness can flare up unpredictably, and I might kill someone on the spot.”

Erlan: “…”

Erlan hurriedly bowed.

Yu Wanyin went to meet him: “Did you finish cleaning Uncle Bei’s grave?”

“Yes, I came to take you back to the palace.” Xiahou Dan took her hand, his fingers gently brushing her palm, a smile in his eyes.

Explaining the boundless sorrow of spring.

“Wait a moment, I’m not done talking here.” Yu Wanyin squeezed his fingers, “Go back to the carriage and avoid the wind.”

Xiahou Dan refused: “I’ll listen in.”

“Don’t be silly, go on…”

Erlan pretended not to see.

Yu Wanyin finally managed to push Xiahou Dan away and turned to Erlan: “Honestly, I don’t want to let you go either. Li Yunxi and Yang Duojie are thriving; are you willing to lag behind them?”

Erlan looked up in surprise: “But now everyone knows I’m a woman.”

“How convenient, I need someone to help set up women’s academies across the country.”

Yu Wanyin placed her hand on Erlan’s shoulder: “Li Yunxi was wrong; he’s not the only one who knows you. With talent and ambition, you need no one else’s name for recognition.”

A moment later, Erlan walked back, dazed.

The young officials were still picnicking and were surprised to see her return alone: “Where is the empress?”

Li Yunxi, still uncomfortable, stole a glance at her and then looked down to fiddle with his wine cup.

Erlan: “The emperor took her away.”

Yang Duojie couldn’t help but laugh: “They can’t be separated for even a moment.”

“…” Li Yunxi drained his cup in one gulp and grumbled, “Drink!”

In the carriage.

Xiahou Dan: “Did she agree?”

“She said she would think about it. She will agree.”

Xiahou Dan chuckled, then coughed: “The empress is wise.”

“Caught a cold?”

Xiahou Dan paused: “No.”

Yu Wanyin frowned at him.

Xiahou Dan’s smile slowly faded as he guiltily reached for her hand: “The cemetery was a bit chilly this morning… I’ll drink ginger soup when we get back.”

In the warm spring day, his fingers were still cold. Yu Wanyin sighed softly, turned to lift a corner of the window curtain, and looked at the quiet green roadside.

“Such a beautiful spring day, don’t frown.” Xiahou Dan said softly, “This year has been much better, right? I’ll be with you for many more years.”

Yu Wanyin, her thoughts revealed, relaxed her frown and smiled.

A year ago.

After rushing to the side hall, Yu Wanyin had the mute maid captured. Unexpectedly, the maid remained calm, quietly waiting.

Moments later, she suddenly collapsed, blood oozing from her orifices.

The secret guards were shocked and pried open her mouth, finding a broken poison capsule inside.

The maid was on the brink of death. The guards anxiously demanded the antidote, but she only smiled and said: “There is no antidote… just sleep, and it will be fine.”

With the guards puzzled, she quietly passed away.

Yu Wanyin awoke a day later, her discomfort entirely gone.

Later, Xiao Tiancai meticulously examined the poison powder in the porcelain bottle. Some ingredients indeed came from the palace flowers, but others were nowhere to be found. They discovered the peculiar smell of a batch of gift boxes in the storeroom, realizing the wood used came from various poisonous trees.

The batch was a gift from the young crown prince to Yu Wanyin.

Following this lead, they captured the crown prince and his palace staff, interrogating them until the truth emerged:

Fearing for his position and life, the crown prince decided to strike first. The mute maid, claiming to be skilled in poisons but needing a few more ingredients, approached him.

Using the opportunity to present a gift, the crown prince gathered the necessary ingredients for her and provided a more perfect plan: not to directly poison the emperor but to first incapacitate the empress and use the antidote to force her to kill the emperor herself.

He not only wanted Xiahou Dan dead but also to have Yu Wanyin commit regicide. Even if Xiahou Dan survived, they could at least get rid of Yu Wanyin. With some luck, he might eliminate both obstacles.

The crown prince was too young to devise such a plan himself. The mastermind behind it was one of Prince Duan’s remnants.

Prince Duan had left a plan before his defeat, instructing an old subordinate to advise the crown prince. This old subordinate had hidden deeply for years, seemingly disconnected from Prince Duan’s faction, even fooling Xiahou Dan.

However, once imprisoned, the crown prince, desperate to save himself, quickly betrayed the old subordinate. The old man attempted to flee but was captured by secret guards, enduring days of torture before tearfully surrendering.

Only one small variable disrupted the entire scheme: the mute maid did not fully follow orders.

She didn’t truly harm Yu Wanyin and even tried to poison Xiahou Dan herself. Analyzing this afterward, they concluded she aimed to protect Yu Wanyin.

An assassin who hated Xiahou Dan left her last bit of compassion for Yu Wanyin.

By the time Yu Wanyin learned all this, the maid was already buried.

The crown prince was demoted to a commoner, confined to a secluded residence for life.

As for Prince Duan, Xiahou Dan designed a particularly creative retribution.

Every few months, they had the old subordinate visit the dungeon, making Prince Duan believe he was on the brink of a comeback. They hoped his strong will would sustain him on the promise of a slight hope, surviving on slop.

After three to five years, when the ruse was unsustainable, they would gently reveal the truth to him.

Upon returning to the palace, Xiahou Dan dutifully drank a bowl of ginger soup and wrapped himself in a fur cloak, as if returning to winter.

The poison he had endured for over a decade had ruined his health. Though he had purged it violently, it left new aftereffects. Bedridden for half a year, he had only recently regained some color after countless medicinal treatments.

During this year, the court gradually adapted to co-ruling by the emperor and empress.

Though the emperor had resumed his duties, Yu Wanyin had no intention of relinquishing her power, attending court with him daily. The red annotations on official documents were all in her handwriting.

When officials protested, Xiahou Dan was the first to get angry: “The doctors have said I can’t overwork. Do you want me to work alone and die sooner?”

The officials dared not speak further. It would take years for them to realize that Xiahou Dan was speaking from the heart.

But even in just one year, most people had come to realize that despite her poor handwriting, the empress was the wise ruler they had longed for—emotionally stable, quick-witted, appreciative of hard work, and averse to gossip. Occasionally, she proposed astonishing ideas, with perspectives so unique they seemed otherworldly; yet, in practical execution, she was open to suggestions and willing to learn from others.

It was as if she had extensive hands-on experience.

Today was a day of rest, and even the palace attendants had a half-day off, lounging lazily in the Imperial Garden under the sun, with bursts of laughter and cheer echoing occasionally.

After lunch, the emperor and empress sat across from each other by the window, calmly sipping tea.

Yu Wanyin glanced outside, where the spring scenery was in full bloom, and sighed contentedly, “It’s such a beautiful day.”

Xiahou Dan, leaning back slightly, studied her serene expression. “Yes, it is. The garden is particularly lively today.”

Yu Wanyin nodded, placing her cup down. “It’s good for everyone to have a break. They’ve been working hard.”

Xiahou Dan smiled. “And so have you. You should rest more, too.”

Yu Wanyin chuckled softly. “I am resting, right here with you.”

For a moment, they sat in companionable silence, listening to the distant sounds of the palace.

Xiahou Dan broke the silence. “I’ve been thinking about what you said, about establishing women’s academies. It’s a bold move.”

Yu Wanyin’s eyes brightened. “It’s necessary. If we want real progress, everyone needs access to education.”

Xiahou Dan nodded thoughtfully. “I agree. It will be a challenge, but a worthwhile one.”

Yu Wanyin smiled warmly at him. “With your support, I know we can make it happen.”

He reached across the table and took her hand. “Together, we can achieve anything.”

As they sat there, hand in hand, the sun casting a warm glow around them, it was clear that their bond was not just one of duty, but of deep mutual respect and love.

Their reign had only just begun, but already it promised to be a time of great change and progress for the empire. And with the emperor and empress leading side by side, the future looked brighter than ever.

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2 thoughts on “Chapter 26: Fighting Poison with Poison”

  1. I’m so confused about the crown prince …. is he actually xiahou Dan’s son? We learned now that Xiahou dan has actually been in the book universe for over 15 years so… now I am confused

    1. yes there was a part somewhere during the part where xiahou dan shot the empress dowager’s leg, that mentioned a row of palace maids holding him down and feeding him a pill, to get the seed? to create the crown prince

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